Yesterday was one of those days. I was sorting through old belongings as my mother had kindly been helping reorganise my things to make more walking space now and found ballet medals, trophies, certificates and photographs from years ago. I sat there and cried. Not because I don't appreciate my life now, and not because I spend every day wishing things were different, but because I was looking at physical reminders of something I have lost.
Whenever disabled people talk about grief, there is often someone who rushes in with solutions. "You can find a new hobby." "You can do something else instead." "You can always try something different."
I know people mean well, but sometimes I think we are far too uncomfortable with grief.
If somebody lost a beloved pet, would you tell them to just get a new one? Of course not. We understand that grief is not about replacing what was lost. We understand that sometimes something mattered deeply to us and there simply isn't a substitute for it.
That is how I feel about so many parts of my old life.
I probably will find new hobbies. I probably will discover new passions and interests. In fact, I already have. I love reading more than ever, I enjoy anime, writing, content creation and all sorts of things that bring me joy. But none of those things erase the fact that I still miss ballet. They do not erase the fact that I miss the freedom of moving my body without pain or the independence of simply deciding to go somewhere and then doing it.
I think there is this expectation that disabled people should always focus on the positive. We should always be inspiring, always resilient, always grateful. While I understand where that comes from, I don't think it is healthy to force positivity all the time.
We are human beings. We are allowed to feel more than one thing at once. I can be grateful for my wheelchair while mourning the reason I need it. I can love my disability community while feeling isolated. I can be hopeful for the future while grieving parts of my past. Those feelings do not cancel each other out. Today has been another reminder of that.
Today I was officially made redundant. The entire office was. The reality is I haven't actually been in work for almost two months because the office was no longer accessible for me. My mobility has deteriorated to the point where climbing stairs is no longer realistic. Some days even walking short distances feels impossible.
While everyone else was going through this together, I was experiencing it from home. There were conversations I wasn't part of, moments I wasn't there for and friendships carrying on in person while I watched from the outside. Nobody did anything wrong. Life just carries on. When somebody is no longer physically present, they slowly become less visible. Disability has taught me that in ways I never expected.
There was a goodbye social planned today and I was so excited to go. I had everything organised. I woke up at 5am to get ready and work around all the logistics that now come with leaving the house. My partner needed to transport my wheelchair, timings needed to align and every detail had to be carefully considered.
Then came the weather. 5am HEAVY down pour. Flooded streets. Every weather app insisted it would continue throughout the day.
My wheelchair is not waterproof and I cannot afford to take risks with it. If something happened to it, I don't have thousands of pounds sitting around to replace it. For disabled people, mobility aids are often the difference between participating in the world and being trapped at home.
So I cancelled, saved all the trouble for my partner who I relied on for the logistics of it all.
As I sit writing this at 1:30pm, it hasn't rained since around 8am this morning.
The weather apps were wrong. The social is currently going ahead. Everyone is posting photos, sharing memories and saying goodbye to each other and posting in the coworker group chat while I lie in bed in pain, watching it all happen through a screen.
That feeling is difficult to describe to people who haven't experienced it. It is the feeling of watching life continue without you. The feeling of wanting desperately to be somewhere but knowing your body has made the decision for you.
The one of the hardest parts of my disability besides the agony and pain daily, is the dependence. I miss independence more than I can put into words.
I miss deciding to do something and simply doing it. I miss showering without needing assistance. I miss leaving the house without coordinating multiple people, mobility aids, weather forecasts and backup plans. I miss feeling capable.
I look at those ballet trophies and I don't just see dance. I see independence. I see freedom. I see a body that did what I wanted it to. Now life is alot like sleeping heavy and waking up stiff and you move your arm but it's "gone sleep" that's how my body moves daily but add in the pain of doing a super hard gym session the day before all the aches, bruising and pain. That is now my everyday reality. When I look back I see a version of myself who never had to think about any of the things I do now. Everything has to be so calculated and considered. I can't shower alone. I can't make food without assistance. I just can't do so many basic things anymore. Yet my body was once one of champions, award winning.
That version of me is gone and some days that hurts.
Tomorrow I will probably feel differently. Tomorrow I might be excited about a new book, laughing over a ridiculous anime scene or sharing something positive online. The sadness isn't permanent and neither is the grief.
But today, I am allowing myself to feel it.
Because grief is not weakness. Mourning is not negativity. We are human and we are one dimensional. It is healthy to feel all of our emotions and not force positivity every moment of everyday.
Acknowledging loss does not mean you are ungrateful for what you still have.
Sometimes the healthiest thing we can do is stop trying to turn every difficult feeling into a motivational lesson and simply admit that it hurts.
Today it hurts and just for now I think that's fine.
Faeryn
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